motherhood is a thankless job...

Tonight, while tucking them to bed, my kid nonchalantly told me that if someone is going to die in our family, she would want it to be me. That way, she would still be around with her brother and her dad.

Wow. 

So in her little brain, I'm the most dispensable member of our family. The one she could do well without. What have I done wrong for her to even think that in her little brain?

Is this a sign of a turbulent mother-daughter relationship ahead? 

But this also reminds me of two Thanksgiving seasons when, asked to do a gratitude art project, her brother remembered to be thankful for every little thing in his little life, including his dad and dinosaur toys and pet fish and what-have-you. Everything. Except me.

So this is how effing great Motherhood is going for me.

I love them so much, more than life itself. But motherhood is not always a walk in the park. I'm merely human, capable of exhaustion and frustration. I spend so much time and effort and energy in building these children up, that I don't even notice myself fading. No, I notice. And I hate myself for it. But there's always not enough time to redeem my lost self. I give my all to them.

So what's the point? Unconditional love?

Yes, I'll love them for always. 

Yes, I will always care for them. 

But yes, I think she just broke my heart. 

I try to teach them gratitude and kindness. And they are thankful, kind and loving kids. I'm just sooo constantly around them that they sometimes take it for granted. Every night, I ask God to bless us with continued good health and long life; long enough time for me to raise my kids and guide them grow into great adults. But apparently, they've had enough of me. 

So maybe it's not such a bad idea to be a little selfish once in a while and take care of me too.